chess

Chess

Classify and you will gain!
Quirky name, real matters
[ Sign up | Log in | Guest ] (beta)
zugzwang85 257 ( +1 | -1 )
"Different" OTB Chess Tactics... First of all I'd like to say I loved ccmcacollisters forum thread about cheating, I couldn't think of anything to add, all situations I experienced were already mentioned! Reading that thread, gave me the idea to start this funny one...

I have played at 10+ otb chess tournaments before and have come across many players who use tactics other than pure brain power and thought it would be funny to share it with everyone here at Gameknot... Most of the following tactics I have witnessed players use and a few of them I just made up... If you've ever been to an otb chess tournament share your experiences and add to my list!... This is why I play so much better in correspondence then otb because I'm not face to face with my opponent!

(1) laugh after each move your opponent makes
(2) push down hard on the clock several times after each move you make
(3) spill your drink over the board
(4) don't shower for at least a week before the tournament
(5) click your pen repeatedly throughout the game
(6) take up as much room under the table as possible
(7) say "ja doube" or "i adjust" and fix the piece your opponent just moved after every time he moves
(8) leave the room immediately after each move your opponent makes and when you come back, make a move within 5 seconds
(9) when you move a piece, place it so that it touches at least 2 squares
(10) if you have to sneeze, do it directly over the board
(11) if youre losing, offer a draw after each move
(12) before the game, set up the pieces so that the notation is reversed
(13) place captured pieces in front of the clock so that your opponent cant see his time
(14) wear headphones with a loud volume and listen to a recording of random chess moves
(15) right before you do the handshake, wipe your nose with your hand
(16) right after each move you make act as though you just blundered away the game
(17) if youre playing as white, spend over a minute to make your first move
(18) if your opponent has mate in one, walk away from the board and let your clock timeout
(19) if youre playing as white, attempt the queen and bishop mate in 4 especially if youre playing an opponent much higher rated than you
(20) act extremely cocky after the game no matter what the outcome of the game was

My personal favorite of the 20 is #7, I have seen this happen so many times!
jstack 41 ( +1 | -1 )
I would add:
(21) crack your knuckles after you make a good move
(22) moan after every move
(23) hyperventilate through the whole game.
-
(11) brings back a memory. In a game I just won my opponents queen for my knight. My opponent immediately offered a draw...looking very serious about it. I laughed and proceeded to crush him. The other players also saw it and we laughed about it later.
adamastor 35 ( +1 | -1 )
its not that easy... the 11th is not allowed you can tell the referee and you get a warning for that... you cant offer a draw after each move... but there are items who are true... and ill tell you one that my club team started to use... in classic games 1h30m+30s show up 30m late, you got 1 hour to play and the opponent will be stressed out for that boring time looking at the board....
greyrabbit 24 ( +1 | -1 )
Best I ever heard... I heard that in Rejavik (Icelandic capital....someone PLEASE correct my spelling) They had to install a perspex screen under the table to stop the two men kicking each other......the match?.......the world championship! *lol*
Cheers
Charlie
zugzwang85 78 ( +1 | -1 )
adamastor... ...I know that some of the tactics are not allowed, but this discussion is meant to be funny!

I remember a game I had verse a USCF 1000 when I was about 1200 at the time. My opponent looked about 10 years old ...he

(24) ...kept on picking up the captured pieces and playing with them as if they were darts or as if he was playing basketball and shooting baskets. He also kept (25) humming annoying tunes throughout the whole game.

So what I did to "get him back" I crushed him at the board but I did not checkmate him right away, I first captured all his pieces so that he had more to play with and I promoted a few more pawns and circled his king with all my pieces. I'm sure he was hoping for stalemate, hehe. I was trying to get the attention of the players sitting next to us, which I did and we all thought it was pretty funny.
chilliman 58 ( +1 | -1 )
and then... (26) when playing a midweek tournament (usually commencing about 7:30pm) and playing a much younger opponent make your initial moves as quickly as possible then play slowly later on. as your (much younger) opponent gets sleepy make your move and then hit the button with enough force to jolt your opponent awake. I have seen this and it is very funny, not to mention a good way to beat a higher rated junior opponent and save the embarassment of a loss to someone 20+ yrs your junior.
i_play_slowly 173 ( +1 | -1 )
These always work for me: 27) Arrange for someone to cast rose petals as you approach the table. He backs away quickly as you snap your fingers.
28) Lay your cell phone on the table; tell your opponent that Kasparov might need to talk to you.
29) Wear a pyramid on your head.
30) Produce a box of table salt. Explain to your opponent that you are going to pour a circle of salt around the table to keep evil spirits at bay. Ask if he wants his chair inside or outside the circle. Disregard his answer.
31) Call the director to your table and insist that your chair face north so that you can allign yourself with natural energies.
32) After your opponent moves, talk to your pieces. Turn your head to hear what they're saying. Repeat until you and your pieces have agreed on an action plan.
33) No matter what your opponent asks or remarks, respond by saying, "The sound of one hand clapping." Do this consistently.
34) Bend over the table, stare into your opponent's eyes, and whisper in an intimidating manner that you've been listening to Mozart.
35) In your best "Wizard of Oz," ask the opponent, "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
36) When your opponent captures, leap up, knock your chair over, and stare at the board, open mouthed and wide-eyed with horror.
37) Each time you capture, juggle with all the pieces you've captured so far, humming a circus tune. Tell your opponent that this trick gets harder towards the endgame.
38) Tell your opponent matter-of-factly that it isn't cheating if you channel Morphy. Slump in a trance.
zugzwang85 52 ( +1 | -1 )
LOL!!! wow... i_play_slowly did you come up with all that just then or have you discussed those tactics before?

My favorite one was (30) I ought to use that at my next tournament!

Another thing that many players do is...
(39) everytime they move their knight they place it awkwardly on the board.
I can't stand that, it really distracts me. Why can't they just place it straight so that it faces there opponent!?

Thanks for that post i_move_slowly that should definately liven up this thread!
fmgaijin 30 ( +1 | -1 )
The "Kicking" Screen Was NOT . . . . . . from the 1972 Fischer-Spassky match in Iceland (actually, both Fischer and Spassky behaved well both then and elsewhen OTB; Fischer's antics always took place away from the board). Think it was one of Korchnoi's matches (Petrosian, maybe--they did not get along at all).
greyrabbit 27 ( +1 | -1 )
I'll take your word for it I was told it was Fischer/Spassky but I'm open to corrections....
Its not really a 'different tactic' but I've noticed many people try to play to their opponents pace. So against a fast player I'll play slowly, against a slow player I'll play fast.
Cheers
Charlie
fmgaijin 35 ( +1 | -1 )
From www.chessville.com A quick Google reveals the following:

"Get A Kick Out Of This: The mutual loathing between Viktor Korchnoi and Tigran Petrtosian was so bad that when the two players faced each other in a 1977 World Championship Candidates match, a wooden division was placed under the chess table so that the players could not kick one another."
i_play_slowly 26 ( +1 | -1 )
Re: LOL! wow... In response to your question, "i_play_slowly did you come up with all that just then or have you discussed those tactics before?" all I can do is assure you that they have always worked for me in the past. Of course, they work better in combination.
alice02 5 ( +1 | -1 )
i_play_slowly didnt make them up It is obvious from (32) where he got them from (lol).
adamastor 11 ( +1 | -1 )
lololol 33 is the greatest..... i cant imagine if an opponent did that to me but ill surelly leave the board laughing and running away...
leo_london 21 ( +1 | -1 )
Surely everyone talks to their chess pieces, its when you hear them answering back you have a problem. A great list from both the contributors, most amusing posts in ages.
basti1981 75 ( +1 | -1 )
Know of a real story similar to 4 happened some years ago in a tournament, one of the players had a cold and in an attempt to cure it, he consumed a lot of garlic.
No need to say, that his opponent wasn't that fond of it.
He called the arbiter and complained: "This guy smells so disgusting I can't stand it"
Reaction of the arbiter: he took a deep breath and demanded from the other player (who ate the garlic) to leave the board everytime after he made a move.

But wasn't Alekhine rumoured to have done something similar (I think, I once read something like: there were a couple of tournaments, in which he smelled like hell)

But my favorite is number 30.

(40) Take voodoo-doll to your game, let your opponent know, that it's "his doll" and torture it throughout the whole game
silurasglanis 142 ( +1 | -1 )
Or if you petrosian, switch off your hearing aid and stir your tea vigourously with varying rythm. Of course we must not forget the colour coded yogurts...

I played so many over the board tourneys, up until 1994 when I quit, that I have lost count. Number 7 is a classic and I remember it well. Number 14 is illegal. I always laugh at folks adopting approach 11, a good laugh after each move is good and theraputic. I believe no1 is a legitimate counter to No 11.
I would add another No41. "stroll around the room looking to see if any higher graded players are in the same line as you and copy them!"

I believe no 42 may be unique to my self, following and encounter (potentially fatal) with 38 tonnes of green marmalade, one opponent I had in a county match had to put up with the extremely strong smell of the offending substance, and the sound as I kept parting my legs which kept sticking together and made a sound like velcro upon parting. Mind you by the time the police and us motorists had cleared the road I had lost a hour on the clock. Managed a draw thank god.

I am afraid I must challenge No 8, thats the way I play, although sometimes one cannot always respond straight way if the response is not one of those you have been analysing. But they all ring true...but its not just tourneys I have seen all the above in locals league, county, national club events and so called FRIENDLIES.
silurasglanis 15 ( +1 | -1 )
PS Sorry I forgot to mention.

No 43. Being so small ones eyes barely appear above the table.
N0 44. Being female and very pretty......
luckyrook 104 ( +1 | -1 )
GREAT FORUM, and ofcourse I have to post one to be a part of this historical forum.

About 3 months ago I had to play a intern game, the club competition, againt the oldest member, a man of 86 years old. During the game I noticed he was making strange moves on his chair and was making grimaces with his face. I ask if there was a problem, or if he needed his medicine. He was fine: Dont wurried about me! I went for a drink and a smoke and when I came back he was gone but did not make a move. I get up my chair and thought he was also gone for drink and I just missed him at the bar. Altouhg after 15 minutes..... the chair was still empty. I went looking for him and asked if any had seen the man. And yes, the bartender had seen him walking outside in the direction of his home. I thought he proberly di needed his medicine and he had forgetten to bring them to the club. He did not come back and I went to sort teh board and the pieces, then I noticed something........... his chair and the ground under the chair where totally wet!!! He pisst in his pair of pants!!!

(45) So.. buy youre opponent after every move a beer and tie him to his chair....:D

mightytiny 44 ( +1 | -1 )
ROFL!!!! Silurasglanis - I read your #42 before having to go off to work yesterday, and it had me gigling to myself like a madman walking down the street. :D

I couldn't help picturing what it must have been like for your opponent - this guy comes to the board an hour late covered in green marmalade... with an added bonus of the velcro-sound effects throughout the game.

Oh, and glad you survived to tell the tale! :)
onlygb 68 ( +1 | -1 )
Yes, but you missed... You missed a few that happened to me, including:

(46) Pick your forehead with a sharp fingernail until it's bleeding down your face in the middlegame. (I swear this happened.)

(47) After about 20 moves into the game, mutter just clearly enough to be heard, "Capablanca-Johannsen 1938" and snort as if the player walked into a classic blunder. Repeat every 3rd or 4th move with different names and dates.

(48) "The Gump" Pretend you you are Forest Gump and spend the entire game quietly mentioning different types of nuts, shrimp dishes, or hair styles.

OK, (48) didn't happen to me but after (46) and (47) I've only played otb once more.
nima_tal 1821 ( +1 | -1 )
Well, after reading this old article (1974) I thought it is very interesting and also relevant to this forum some how:


______________________________________________________________________________________________
War In Moscow 1974: Korchnoi and Karpov have it out; notes on Fischer and the world chess championship. ...


In past years I have done my level best to indicate to Berkeley Barb readers that chess players are delightful but a little crazy as well. The world's leading masters must develop a state of temporary insanity in order to play well and, indeed, to remain playing at all. You must be willing to kill your grandmother and her pet dog, forsake friends, ignore all professional reason to lead a long chess career. The creative rewards of trying to play chess well are very great. Nevertheless to attempt to make a living as a world chess championship contender is not pleasant and virtually destroyed such players as Carl Schlechter and, likely, Bobby Fischer as well.


Besides the physical needs of a player there must be nothing else left unattended to. You must keep abreast of the chess openings in the last one thousand games published by The Chessplayer of England. You must know those games cold if you are a world title contender. That takes care of your spare weekends right there Daddy-0.


Another consideration is the social scene of a top chess grandmaster. Absolutely required is a dynamite lady to put up with a meteoric temper tantrum maniacal chess hydra. The New York Times chess editor (and world chess grandmaster) Robert Byrne makes no bones about his interpretation if all Fischer's problems -- he has not taken any one of the numerous willing ladies in his fan club out to the dunes. There is no regular team worker, confidant. It is strictly Freudian analysis by Byrne and I happen to believe every word of it.


You can tell me until you are blue in the face that were Fischer to be involved with a woman, raise a family, etc., etc., that Fischer would be ineffective as a world champion tomorrow morning. "Remember what happened to Samson when he got a haircut?" -- the evidence indicates otherwise, believe me. Fischer is ineffective as a chessplayer, requiring miracles of cooperation from his opponents and the chess organizers to even get to play at all. By any normal application of world chess federation rules he would be forfeited before breakfast.


Now the buck has stopped, the boom has dropped. No flexibility is provided in the coming world chess championship. Fischer will have to play on time or lose. He will have to be on the scene by June 1, 1975 or lose. He will have to flatly agree to a city and final money contract in writing. And it will have to be done by February at the latest. Time flies and all the evidence indicates that Bobby Fischer isn't going to play at all, just package the world title and send it back to the Soviet Union where, in all fairness, it probably belongs.


Fischer is well liked by ladies, period. He towers in neat suits, angel complexion and has a positively unique physical ambulation -- you must notice this gentleman, ladies. No choice. He doesn't phone back later, though. Instead he gets on the plane and zooms. It's lonely but Fischer likes it that way. It works often. But, as you know, it could be costly if Spassky isn't a nice guy, if the president of the world chess federation doesn't cheat and allow you a couple of extra days to come to your senses. That could be the last time, I don't know...


Before discussing Fischer's future further just an arrogant little reminder that one full year before Fischer's world title bid in Iceland I predicted exactly the score Fischer won by (12-1/2 - 8-1/2) and further said Fischer would never be able to finish the match if the rules were enforced. Right again. He lost the world title several times but thanks to Spassky's kindness it didn't matter.


My predictions this time? Karpov beats Fischer 6-5 or 6-4 at best in 35 games if the match goes all the way. Otherwise Karpov wins by forfeit. There is no way, repeat, no way that Bobby Fischer has a chance to beat Karpov in a fair match. Recent quote from Karpov: "Every regulation of the world federation will be enforced when I play Fischer. He will not be allowed any choice at all. I will see to that." It would be a ten million dollar match with television allowed if Fischer would only come to his senses. Fischer would also lose it. So what? Who in the hell cares? If you must go that's the way to go. Fischer deserves every cent of it.


What exactly does Fischer wait? The answer is that Fischer wants to be sure, damn sure, that he doesn't play chess in a world championship match next year. Bent Larsen calls it "Fischer's non-chess maneuver" to avoid ever playing for the world title again. It is not because of any fear of losing (Fischer has been crushed before) that Fischer avoids play. It is the booking his body into one city, one hotel, four or even five months during a world title match. For Fischer paranoia strikes deep. There is no way, repeat, no way Fischer could show up for every game, during every day of a world title match for months. Fischer will find a way to lose by forfeit.


Thus when Fischer asked the World Chess Federation for an endless match, no limit to the games until one player won 10 games outright he was guaranteeing that his opponent would win such a match. It simply meant that Fischer is out of it for good. F.I.D.E. It's not stupid, believe me.


The World Chess Federation figures there is some chance to get Fischer to play a few of the allotted thirty-five games in the coming title match. They also believe there is virtually no chance to get Fischer to play the fifty or even seventy games it would take in the unlikely event that he could defeat Karpov the way he wished. Can you imagine Fischer beating Karpov ten times in fifty games? Can you imagine Fischer showing up on time for all fifty games? Now you're beginning to get the picture of the simply unbelievable pressure both the World Chess Federation and Fischer are faced with.


Consider the record. Against three of the top five players in the world Karpov has lost exactly two games in thirty eight times at bat by the time of this writing. Karpov is unbelievably hot right now. The man has positively to learn how to lose again. I know many players throughout the world that would like to have his problem?


Consider Fischer three years ago in his greatest hour. The Brooklyn wizard went through four of the top ten players in the world and lost exactly five games in forty two times at bat!

So you see, by any standard it's going to be fifty games before Fischer's desired match comes to an end even if both players lose more often than expected.


I do not for a moment believe that Fischer, badly out of practice, would be so foolish as to experiment with wild variations as he did in his early games with Boris Spassky. Fischer is a very shrewd customer. He is going to be holding on to that draw, neighbors. There is not going to be a hint of blood, complications or risk from Fischer unless he is very sure what is going on. He is going to play himself back into form with draws. But he will lose it. And it would be by forfeit or a four month long match which would not be pleasant at all.


This is my objective analysis. Now for my unobjective analysis. I hope Fischer has the greatest comeback of all time, get his ten million dollars and retires. And meets a hundred nice ladies ... And makes me a millionaire touring chess professional in the process!


The attention of the entire chess world has been fastened on Moscow where war is raging unabated between Karpov (age 24) and old man Victor (Korch-the-Torch) Korchnoi (age 48). Yes, for three months now they have been going at it hammer and tongs, and it is now a personal feud, meaning that things are back to normal in world chess. The winner becomes world champion automatically if Fischer forfeits next year.


Victor Korchnoi, quiet gentleman who has the greatest First prize record in chess history, (25 first prizes in top tourneys) would seem to be past his time, but someone has forgotten to tell Korch that he's old, that chess is supposedly a young man's game. In truth as long as a first rate grandmaster like Michael Botvinnik or Emmanuel Lasker is dying to play chess, takes care of health, gets eight hours sleep before master games there isn't going to be anybody in the world tough enough to defeat a sixty year old man. Look at the records. In their sixties both Botvinnik and Lasker actually went undefeated in the toughest tournaments in the world. I recall one unbelievable team tournament in which Botvinnik beat five of the world's top ten rated grandmasters in ten days, scoring first prize on board one against the best at age sixty!


Do you seriously believe that Fischer will be a Class C player in the year 2004? You will push out your king's pawn two squares and offer Fischer a draw on the first move of play, praying to the almighty God that he takes it. Nobody will be safe from Fischer when he is seventy years old in my opinion. He will be operating with sixty-two years of day in, day out knight-bishop-pawn power carefully worked out in his closet. You're going to have to have an awful lot of ammunition to take care of that old man -- even if he comes out of retirement after forty years of non-play. Think about it! The possibilities of Fischer-watching stagger the imagination, do they not?


The sudden, terrifying resurgence of Victor Korchnoi to the top three of world chess ratings is explained simply. He married a very nice lady named Bella two years ago, gave up smoking and world record drinking and went on a solid physical exercise program. The results are something to behold. Korchnoi is not messing around. He eliminated two famous opponents: Mecking, "the notorious heavy" of Brazil, and Tigran "the python" Petrosian in world record time. Petrosian wound up in the hospital with nervous exhaustion after a really tragic argument and match with Korchnoi.

Even though now losing to Karpov with but five games to go, Korchnoi has clearly forced Karpov to endure the full race to get his world chess title chance. The match may in fact have never ended if a no-limit to the games provision was allowed. They stop at twenty-four and whoever is ahead wins. It's going to go right down to the wire and both sides get sick every now and then to save their strength to kill each other in the stretch coming up this week. (Korchnoi is sick today as I write this.)


In order to set the stage for what is going on in Moscow I wish to print the true facts of the tremendous Petrosian-Korchnoi match earlier this year, a match that shot Korchnoi into the top three players in the world. Though the real story has been suppressed by all U.S.S.R. media sources, there were so many Yugoslavian and German witnesses that we now know that a verbal war rather than chess ended the contest!


Korchnoi played beautifully to achieve three wins, one loss, and one draw in the first five games against Tigran Petrosian in Odessa, April 12-24, 1974. Just after the fourth game Tigran Petrosian went to the match committee and requested in writing that Victor Korchnoi be asked not to move his leg up and down beneath the table so much! It was just a Korchnoi nervous habit and did not seem to disturb anything really. No noise or offence intended probably. But Petrosian mentioned that Korchnoi had actually kicked him beneath the table while reaching out to make a move. Surely it was an accident....


Korchnoi knew absolutely nothing of Petrosian's complaint throughout the night, and it was only upon arriving for the fifth game that he was shocked by the formal request to quit moving his leg in a kicking motion beneath the table! Korchnoi was furious but did not say anything to his opponent, beginning to make moves against Petrosian in the fifth game.


You're not going to believe what happened next and at the worst possible moment. Petrosian, while shifting in the chair to adjust his hearing aid, kicked Victor Korchnoi accidentally! As match officials looked on with complete horror and silence. Everybody knew the match could explode any second.

Korchnoi, now thoroughly in flames, sat there for a second and found what has to be one of the truly great one-liner punch outs of all times... "Mister Petrosian, please look for your match chances above the chess table rather than below it." That's the real story, how a great match really ended -- never reported by the wire services.


Petrosian exploded, refused to continue the fifth game, and resigned the match forthwith. It was sweet triumph for stoic, endure-everything Korchnoi who should have been world champion many years ago. His lifetime score against Fischer is even -- 2 wins, 2 draws, 2 losses. I will make no secret to my readers that my favorite chess grandmasters are Tal, Gligorich and Korchnoi. Even today I believe Korchnoi would beat Fischer in a fair match.


I feel that we should not leave the subject of Victor Korchnoi without reciting the most famous episode about him. As a young grandmaster Korchnoi had been severely criticized by the Soviet sport ministry for excessive drinking, smoking and women chasing. It was a national scandal. Korchnoi was forgiven because of his good nature and, far more important, because of his ferocious killing ability in the strongest chess tournaments in the world. (He won the Soviet national title three times.)


However Korchnoi was given a penalty work assignment -- he was sent to Siberia, literally -- to play in a minor masters' tournament. He was made to promise to properly condition himself throughout the chess tournament and not to play drunk out of his mind. All of this was to be under the supervision of the Russian master and chess trainer Osnos. But, alas, Osnos could not make the journey at the last moment. He had to content himself with seeing his young protégé off at the Leningrad train station....


A month later Osnos received the electrifying score table -- twenty year old Korchnoi had crushed eleven straight masters to win the Siberian tournament! However there was no bill of expenses from the Siberian hotel and no comment from tournament officials about any abnormal behavior by the grandmaster. Osnos could not believe how wonderful it was. No bad news, only good news, no bills!


Many years later it was discovered by Osnos at a convention of Russian chess officials what had actually taken place. Korchnoi had arrived at the Siberian train station with a suitcase full of cigarettes, no extra clothes. He had discovered that the hotel where he was supposed to take lodging was some distance from the women and the town bar. His solution was simple. He never checked in; he virtually lived in the bar twelve straight days, grew his first beard, chain smoked, drank one bottle of vodka after another and murdered everybody in the chess tournament being held in the town hall across the street. That was the beginning of the Korchnoi legend. Korchnoi had given free chess lessons and exhibitions to stop bad conduct reports from ever getting out of Siberia. See, Korchnoi believes in total planning!


Korchnoi has been denied a world title match for many years simply because only three such chances occur in a twelve year period. The best tournaments often do not qualify a player for a world title match. In 1962 Fisher complained that the world championship should be placed on the line once a year. Korchnoi, too, bitterly resented the dearth of available world title shots which gave so few opportunities to play for the title. No matter how strong a player might be in Russia, only a few of the players are allowed to leave for the world zonal every four years.


Korchnoi's style is simple. Analyze every variation after every move. Complicate. Befuddle. Crush. Fear no evil because you are the meanest, well, you get the idea.


Moscow 1974 rages out of control now. During game 19, November 4-5, Karpov made a serious mistake in etiquette. He was leading by a precious three whole games against Korchnoi with only 6 games to go. He should have been serving lunch, coffee and amenities to Korchnoi. He should have sent him his personal limousine to fetch Korchnoi to the games. He should have been absolutely proper. Instead he stared into Korchnoi's face while he was deep in thought.


Korchnoi keeps a thermos of tea prepared by Bella near the board. He watches this thermos to be certain that nobody puts anything into it as Spassky probably was drugged in Iceland. (Honest!)

As Korchnoi looked up to check on thermos bottle, he noticed Karpov's eyes blazing away as if to hypnotize him! He called the referee over (Alberic O’Kelly of Belgium) and asked that Karpov be instructed to quit staring into his eyes! O'Kelley agreed with Korchnoi and made the request.

Now furious Karpov asked that the Korchnoi thermos bottle be moved off stage! And so on, so on At this hour war is on in Moscow because Korchnoi defeated Karpov by angrily continuing a very drawish endgame until the equally angry Karpov made a very simple error, allowing a Korchnoi pawn to race towards promotion after two agonizing days of struggle. What a match! Karpov still heavily favored as we go to press, but if it goes to 3-2 ... maybe ... maybe.
doctor_knight 120 ( +1 | -1 )
this is very interesting. Here are some things I thought of and that my brother and I joked about a little.

(49) After each move, stand up and walk behind your opponent and lean on his chair while he makes his move. Only sit down to write down the notation.

(50) in random intervals or a few minutes sing quick random phrase like, "Oh the pain. Can you feel the pain? The pain!" or "diaria, in your hands" or "time after time after time after time," in some annoying random tune (don't sing too loudly though)

(51) if you're in good enough shape, after every move you make get up quickly and sprint to the other side of the room (or outside the room) and immediately back to your chair.

(52) bring a small magnetic chessboard and place it right next to the board being used. You can either 1. leave it there, 2. copy the game onto it, or 3. replace the board that was provided for you with the small magnetic chess board.

(53) Whenever you capture an enemy piece flick it off the board and every now and then put a captured enemy piece with your opponents staff of captured pieces, assuming he has any :)
i_play_slowly 39 ( +1 | -1 )
Three from the masters... 54) "Place the board so that the sun is in your opponent's eyes" (Ruy López).
*
55) "Try to play after you opponent has eaten or drunk freely" (Lucena, 1497).
*
56) "I am always happy to buy my opponent a steak dinner right before we play!" (Walter Brown)
*
I found these suggestions at: www.serve.com/mdchess/chess_quotes.php.
doctor_knight 9 ( +1 | -1 )
here's another one I thought of

(57) pick your nose (and get a real big booger) and then do #7
wschmidt 4 ( +1 | -1 )
Interesting article, Nima Tal! Do you know who the author was and where it was published?
i_play_slowly 37 ( +1 | -1 )
True story Silman offers this account of playing Smyslov, ". . . in one of the legendary Lone Pine tournaments. I remember that he never even sat down during our game, looking at me with scorn (or was it pity?) as he rolled me off the board" (www.jeremysilman.com/book_reviews_js/js_endgame_virtuoso.html).

b_irie 33 ( +1 | -1 )
headphones is wearing headphones illegal in tournaments (or club otb games)? even if music is inaudible by your opponent? it seems it should be (one could have all sorts of instruction recorded), but i once faced someone who did have headphones on. sometimes around their neck, sometimes on their head. he beat me too in a tough battle... :-|
misato 61 ( +1 | -1 )
mobile phones as well At least mobile phones are forbidden in Germany when official OTB club team matches are played. As far as I know, the opponent's (and his team's) disturbance is only one reason.
It is not allowed as well when it is switched to vibration alarm so that no one can hear it. It is possible that secret signs can be given by calling your team mate's phone like "don't do that move you just have written down on your sheet". If the call doesn't come it could be interpreted as "this move looks okay".
Chess players are very inventory and suspicious - and this is not limited to 64 squares!
giuco_piano_guy 108 ( +1 | -1 )
More!!! 58) Arrive at the board before your opponent and replace all the pieces with checkers.

59)Have someone call you on your cell phone and say something like, "Hello? Oh, hey, Kasparov. ... Try Nxf6. Call me after Karpov makes his move. Bye!"

60)If your opponent makes an obvious move (i.e. recapture after a Queen trade), shout "YES!" and make your next move with an air of triumph.

61) If you're way behind, go to the bathroom and stay there until your clock times out.

62) If it's clear you're going to lose, "sacrifice" your Queen or some other valuable piece. When your opponent takes it, whisper to yourself "Oh gosh, I can't believe I missed that!" and resign.

63)Repeatedly slip your opponent notes throughout the game.

64)If your Queen has been captured, repeatedly try to sneak it back on the board.

65) If you're quick enough, snatch the piece your opponent is about to move. When he tells you to give it back, complain, "I had it first!"

66)Come to the table dressed in your favorite Halloween costume.

I made all of these up.
premium_steve 59 ( +1 | -1 )
if this one hasn't been mentioned already, then great (i'm too lazy to read through 66 :))

67) When it is your turn to move, tell your opponent there is some dirt on his king and you would like him to clean it off.
as he does so, make a move very quickly and call him for touch move on his king! (after you make your move quickly, he is still touching his piece ;))
you need to make the best of it, though. be sure that king moves would be bad in that case. you can use this neat trick for other pieces too - like queens.

giuco_piano_guy 11 ( +1 | -1 )
Here's some more... 68) Bring a bottle of water and slurp it throughout the game.

69)Say "Checkmate!" after every 2 or 3 moves you make.
silurasglanis 62 ( +1 | -1 )
Marmalade Mighty tiny,
as I sat at the front of the traffic queue and the articulated lorry came tanking around the round about, its trailer starting to tip over, I thought I had truly played my last game of chess. Fortunately before the trailer tipped and slid into us at speed, the side gave way and out came the 38 tonnes of glass jars of marmalde, (fortunately the laws of physics righted the trailer) which hit the floor just in front of my and car along side me, although three jars hit the bonnet. You have never seen so much maralade or broken glass I assure you.

Glad it cheered you up.

Cheers

Malcolm
luckyrook 18 ( +1 | -1 )
DIME MATE 70) Play the " Dime Mate "
1) e4 e5
2) Qh4....... now tell youre opponent there is a dime under his King, after he lift the king scream: "touching is moving"..... he has to play Ke7
3) Qxe5#
adamastor 6 ( +1 | -1 )
that should be called "alice in wonderland mate"....
doctor_knight 15 ( +1 | -1 )
I really love 63 and 64. I'll have to try it. What kind of notes were you thinking about? Maybe something like, "I wouldn't try that if I were you."?
giuco_piano_guy 5 ( +1 | -1 )
Reply Well, maybe even a love note...
i_play_slowly 12 ( +1 | -1 )
Demonstration of tactic www.electricartists.com/gaming/chess.mov
ccmcacollister 92 ( +1 | -1 )
Here's one I experienced ... I was low on time in an otb tournament game but in a dead-drawn rook ending (kinda like the one here at GK, but anyway ...) and so expecting to be able to make at least 20 moves per minute but my opponent came upon a novel way of disrupting that concept ... by "tackling the pieces" everytime he would move! I would hit his clock back then making him set up the pieces on his time ... so he would do that but leaving me no time to know if the numerous pieces were placed back onto the correct squares each time or not. Or if he had played a shannanagan
and tried to place one back onto a better square for him. I managed to draw the draw, but only after a much more difficult time than expected.
Thinking about it after the game, now I realize I should have stopped the clock after everytime it happened, right after he had reset the pieces, and summoned a TD to get position verifiction; for the 8 or 10 times this happened !
b_irie 42 ( +1 | -1 )
don't say "check" this isn't very clever or funny, but it is practical - especially in rapidplay tournaments. i was in the waning seconds in a rapidplay tournament once with both of us slamming the clock quickly after each move. he moved, hit the clock. i moved a pawn, hit the clock and his flag dropped - woohoo!!
oops. i didn't notice i was in check and thus made an illegal move. 2 minutes were added to his time and i lost.
lennerborn 110 ( +1 | -1 )
ROFL! Hilarious thread, this one.

71. Build a small bonfire next to the table. Throw captured pieces on it while chanting.

72. Bring an alarm-clock and set the alarm for every 5 mins. Directly after your first move close your eyes and start snoring. Then awake with a gasp every 5 mins, make a move if your turn, before going back to sleep.

73. Always a good idea to giggle hysterically once in a while. Look at other players and point at your opponent while doing it.

74. Bring 8 extra rooks and line them up on the table below your first line. Ignore any comments about them.

75. Round up 6-7 friends. Dress them in black suits and dark glasses and have them stand around the table. Tell them to take a step closer to the table every time your opponent captures anything.

76. Bring a marking pen. Every time your opponent move his queen, mark the square it moved from with an X.



madmsurf 26 ( +1 | -1 )
study A friend of mine an old gentleman of 65 was playing against a junior who brought a
book with him to the table ,I think it was a Harry Potter book,and he countinud to read it through the game ,just glancing at the table when it was his turn to move .
My friend lost!
ntlgnce 38 ( +1 | -1 )
One more.. The most important move, When your loseing,,, (and this does work),, Tell your opponent that you give up, and then ask them if they would like to play again for a rematch, when they are about to agree, offer a draw..... Most likely they will be like sure and click ok...

Posted by the Inteligence...

Ntlgnce..
pk41 68 ( +1 | -1 )
After any move by Your opponent, (at a critical time) shake Your head sadly and add "What is the enigma that surrounds the clan with which You wish to associate with but can not because of Your very obtuse nature?" ..on another note, while sitting at a Parisian sidewalk cafe, world champion Alekhine was approached by a man that asked "a game Sir"? (seeing the board Alekhine had in front of Him) motioning with His hand Alekhine said "sit" while pocketing His queen. Upon seeing this, the highly insulted man asked "You don't know Me, how dare You insult Me this way!?" With a warm smile Alekhine replied, "Sir, if You could beat Me, I would know You."
giuco_piano_guy 14 ( +1 | -1 )
n. 71 regarding number seventy one, these are supposed to be at least slightly practical.
Building a bonfire does not suit that category.
lennerborn 8 ( +1 | -1 )
.. My good man, I'm swedish; I see you've never played in a tourney north of the 64th parallel ;)
giuco_piano_guy 13 ( +1 | -1 )
No. 71 No, I haven't played in a tourney north of the 64th parellel...and if that sort of thing is common, I'm not planning to do so anytime soon...
ccmcacollister 20 ( +1 | -1 )
#77 . . . Say to your opponent that if he declares checkmate in error, he loses and some players will argue it to distraction . Of course, to be ethical you Should concede that he is right, after you mate him.
alice02 26 ( +1 | -1 )
accidenta drop the contents of your wallet on lly preferably so they go under your opponents feet. Keep asking them to move their feet , keep seeing things you have dropped and missed before, at crucial times. at least i have sen an older kid do that to a younger kid
rollingjoe 45 ( +1 | -1 )
One hand clapping I'm new here and am a mediocre player that enjoys the game. The "One hand clapping" caught my attention. As some might know, Hunter S. Thompson died recently of a self inficted gunshot wound. At his funeral, a neighbor, Don Johnson recalled that he once asked Hunter if he knew what one hand clapping sounded like. Hunter immediately slapped him across the face. That's the Hunter S. Thompson I will miss.
giuco_piano_guy 14 ( +1 | -1 )
#78 When it is your move, touch your opponent's piece then say that you have to move it because of touch-move.